It started with a letter...

It always starts with a letter. This time it was supposed to be one of closure. I'm certainly hoping it's what I find.

Anyone who's read this blog knows that there was someone I was talking to, someone I was excited about. I had been looking forward to what we had ahead of us. I constantly made excuses for him, for his not being around. For him only texting me, never calling, rarely seeing him. I made a hundred, maybe more, all the time justifying myself that my gut told me he was different. Others saw through him so quickly and I didn't. I trusted and I believed.

I was wrong.

There is no doubt in my mind that I was wrong, that I was fooled by pretty words. It has been a really long time since I felt that spark, that little something that made me feel special. I'm not saying that after two weeks I'm okay with what happened. I'm not. I'm still hurting, still wondering. Sometimes I think that I did something and that if I could go back and change it, I would. And then there are brief moments when I realize that this is for the best. Those moments come before the ones where I swear that I'll never get married.

The future is still unfolding, every moment of every day. It's not easy and it is never simple. Despite the times that I wish it was, and the times that I wish men came with an instruction manual, I know they're not meant to. It would take the fun out of finding the right one. For now, I have to take some time and get over this. It wasn't a relationship but it was something to me. And apparently nothing to him. We were only temporary. A dream that wasn't meant to be. I just have to deal with that.

Wish me luck.

The perfect person...

Today was not a good day. I should mention that from the start. Last week, I broke my foot and sprained my ankle. Definitely not fun. Today I went to the doctor who decided to contort my foot for X-Rays and give me this massive boot. Massive. And heavy. On a rainy day. So, yeah, this wasn't a good day.

I have no clever metaphor for dating today. All I have is a revelation that I repeatedly have when I get dejected like this. The perfect person, that ideal soulmate, exists in one place. My head. And this is true for anyone. Perfection is in your head. Sorry if this shatters illusions for you, but this hopeless romantic had a more hopeless day than a romantic one. I just finished watching Julie and Julia again (thank you Netflix) and Julie's husband points something out to her. The perfect Julia is the one in her head. It got me thinking. That perfect someone... he's in my head...

If I keep picturing things in my head, how I want things to go, I keep getting disappointed. I understand this is a fact of life. I'm not naive enough to think otherwise. But I am someone who thinks that there may be someone out there who will prove me wrong. Bring it on. Please.

At this point, after treating myself to delicious take out, which I shouldn't have for a number of reasons, and singing out a few songs that I love to belt when I'm not having the best of days, there isn't much else I can do. Disappointment is a fact of life. The world is not a romantic comedy. Even when it is, it's not an every day thing. I cannot allow myself to pretend that this is My Life: The Movie.

So here is to a brighter tomorrow. And less rain please.

Moving up a level...

Life is a video game. It really is. We go out there, armed with some basics and we pick up bits and pieces along the way. Sometimes we get armor to protect ourselves. Sometimes we get healing potions or extra lives, to try something again and hopefully not get hurt. And, sometimes we get to play with other people, move together as a group. But, going with this metaphor, where does moving with friends turn into something more? How does one go from a level three friend to a level four girlfriend? When do we move up a level?

You know, for all my joking around, I am a romantic. I enjoy the notion of being taken out to dinner or something and having a guy want to sweep me off my feet. It's rather sweet and I wouldn't object to it in the slightest. But I have to remember a few realities which may be a little harsher than I'd like.

Basically, my reality is this: I'm in my mid twenties. So that means the guys I'm seeing or meeting are ones who are swimming in college loan debt just like me. They're still living at home because, let's face it, living on Long Island isn't easy. Some are still in school, working on other degrees. Some are still working jobs they hate because they need money. It's not like I'm rolling in cash. So a romantic dinner, might not be made by other people.

That's not to say that there can't be a really romantic dinner cooked by the guy. Or that take out can't be made to be more romantic than white cartons and chopsticks. Let's be realistic. Romantic on a budget is still sweet. At least in my book.

I'm not saying that if a guy doesn't take me out to some place that involves me wearing something nicer than jeans, I'm never going to speak to him again. Please. But, when does hanging out become dating? I can't even actually say I've been on two dates with someone. I've hung out with someone I really like more than once. Which is nice. And I honestly can't wait to see him again, but I don't think they have been dates.

And it's not because I paid both times. Let's face it. As previously stated, the economy sucks and being a few years out of college doesn't make it any easier. (Sure, the economy is getting better but still... it's tough.) I'm okay with paying. It makes sure that I'm good and cautious with my money. And I'm not a splurger any way. At least, not when I know I have to be good.

Being that I met him online, I'm wondering when this becomes more than just hanging out. We've talked about it, how we consider each other to be friends and I know we both like each other. In the whole 'Check Yes or No' kind of way. So where is the next step? Is it when he makes a move? Do I have to do something? Am I stuck in some sort of strange dating limbo, without ammo of my own and nothing to protect me from the on-coming horde of possible pain and heartache?

I still don't have any answers. I could go in and waste all my health coming up with a million excuses why this won't work out (pass precedent, my luck... friends abandoning me for no apparent reason). I could sit here and think up strategies and find a way to make sure this works out in my favor. I could spend hours watching romantic comedies and trying to see where the real world fits in.

But truthfully, I shouldn't do any of those things. Sometimes you don't want the cheat codes. Sometimes you just want to arm yourself with knowledge. You know where the land mines are, you know how to avoid them. So why not grab your best weapon and head out there, rush into and see where the game of life takes you this time. It might not work for Call of Duty or World of Warcraft, but I'm hoping it works for real life.

Paging Cupid

I am still alive, I swear.

Today's topic, online dating.

The whole thing can be more than a little frustrating. Everything we're taught as children is that there is someone out there for us. One day our prince will come. Well, Prince Charming carries a BlackBerry and there is an app for that.

And who can blame us for going out there and trying to find someone? We're a technology dependent culture. Match.come and eHarmony are regular commercial spots while we enjoy our primetime television. If you haven't been on a dating site yourself (or several), you know at least two people who have ventured into the world of online dating. And you can add me to that list as well.

I'm not a going to the bars to find someone type of girl. I've tried to find a guy in a bookstore.... and let me tell you that every romantic comedy that claims it's possible was lying. At least for me. So I joined a site shortly after moving into my current apartment. OKCupid. I went on several first dates and never a second. It's not that I'm terribly picky but there are certain things I don't tolerate on first dates... lying, groping, clinging to me worse than a koala... Simple, right? I've been on the online dating scene for over two years and I've gotten no where. I even tried a few other sites, ones for Catholics, for writers, even one for Mac enthusiasts, and found nothing more than first dates or creepers who wanted to sleep with me and nothing else.

So we have had to adjust our dating rules. (Not our standards, but the rules.... Class is always a wonderful accessory and never forget it.) That's where those fateful little words come into play and where things become confusing. If he's not into you, he's not going to string you along with text messages and emails every single day. But where does physical contact come into play? Heck, some days, I wouldn't be against a phone call, though, truthfully, I'm not very charming on the phone. But that isn't the point. The point is, we can become too involved too quickly without a clear path ahead.

And I'm not talking about the path that leads to the altar. I wouldn't mind a path that lead to a second date, to talking to someone who didn't make me want to scream in frustration. After two and half years of online dating, I was done. Or so I thought. A friend of mine went on a date with someone she'd met online. And I thought I would give OKCupid one more chance. Before my profile was even completed, I had messages in my inbox. Men wanting to get to know and find out more about what made me tick. Something that has bothered me was the ones who always said things that made them think they knew me. If we haven't had a conversation, guess what? You have no idea who I am and what I think.

Well, I might have found a different one. At least, I hope so. Constant emails and text messages in my inbox and I'm smiling like a twelve year old with a crush. And that's what it is. We have met in person, which was nice, but here I am, waiting for date number two. And I have so many questions and I feel more than a little confused by this charming young man and hoping that I'm not heading for a delusional sunset.

If the rules have changed when it comes to dating due to the internet's matchmaking websites, when do those rules get replaced by the more traditional ones. Is he supposed to pay for the first date or do we go dutch? Am I supposed to wait for him to propose a second date? When does this relationship actually start and is it a relationship?

Having someone that you like and who seems to like you back is just as frustrating as being alone. It's amazing people get married at all some days. Anyone have Cupid's number? I think I need to text him...

The 'He's Just Not That Into You Generation'

On my way to my friend's house to spend the night, I had an epiphany. Thanks to a line on Sex and the City, we have become the 'He's Just Not That Into You' generation. There is a book about it, detailing the fact that if a guy isn't interested, he's hasn't lost your number or been in a serious accident. He's just not into you. Hell, they made a major motion picture about it. So there are plenty of women all over the world who have read the book or seen the movie and discovered that those guys we make the excuses for just aren't into us.

Here's the problem with that wonderful realization that we're experiencing: When is the time that we decide he's not into us? Is it when we haven't heard from him in a day? A week? A month?Is it when he refuses to have us meet his friends? When he only wants to hang out with you when no one is around? There are so many excuses that run through our minds and that's where 'He's just not that into you' comes into play.

Don't get me wrong, I'm all for the mentality. If I had learned that, I might have avoided the heartache that came with some of my interactions with guys through college and even after. But if I'm talking to someone who seems sweet and we're just getting to know each other, am I supposed to believe he's not into me when it takes him a day to get back to me? For a while yesterday, I did. Turns out he had family over and couldn't text. Life happens. So when is he busy and when is he not into you?

It's hard. In the world of online dating, women (and men) find themselves putting so much out there, so much on the line (and online) only to be rejected. Our hearts are online and it seems to just up the pain. Up the rejection. But it also ups the chances of us finding someone. Sure, there are days when I feel completely dejected about love. This coming from a hopeless romantic. Shocking, I know. But then someone comes along and you hope they're different. Maybe they're not, but for a while, you enjoy the sweet messages and the dates and what not. A pessimist (like the one inside me) might always keep the idea in the back of their mind that he could be just like the one before him: disappointing, possibly creepy, and just not that into you.

There needs to be a balance between the romantic and pessimist. It's not easy, that's for sure, and it's something I myself struggle with on a constant basis. And of course, that's in a perfect world. But we can try. He might not be into you, but you have to give him a little bit of a chance. If not, you might just end up alone. And who really wants to be alone?

Welcome to the age of uninnocence

So the past couple of days weren't exactly the best. I'm a little exhausted and had a little frustration by getting locked out of my apartment. But all that aside, I seem to be developing this Sex and the City sense of cynicism. Not quite sure how it happened but I'm the writer who listens to all her friends discuss their love lives without actually having one of my own. I sit there, and I swear I don't mind it, but I listen to them. I am there for them. I give them advice that I'm only qualified to give based on my observations and the number of romance novels I've devoured and discovered to be completely untrue.

When did it happen that I was content to live vicariously through my friends and not find someone for myself? When did it happen that the worst break up of my life was with someone I considered to be as close to me as a sister?

DNW: Ignorance

Like most little girls, I'd dreamed of my prince charming. It's not unusual for a young girl's idea of prince charming to be based on someone from a Disney movie perhaps (I still remember a boy I'd known growing up who was in love with Belle from Beauty and the Beast). But never, ever have I heard someone declare that the love of their life, their perfect man, was Cartman from South Park.

I have put myself out there in the online dating world. Haven't been successful yet, but not for lack of trying. It isn't always easy for me to meet new people outside of my work environment. So when I go looking at the site I'm on, I'm hoping to find just a little something of that prince charming from my childhood. I started talking to someone who immediately told me that he was just like that annoying character from the show that makes me want to pluck out my own ears. That's right, he said he was just like Cartman. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure the Cartmans of the world have their place, but it's certainly not in my life.

At first, I thought he was kidding. But I soon learned that as comical as his declarations of his favorite things to do, the fact that he had a fetish, and his opinions on the world were (which all came, mind you in about a ten minute period of time), he was dead serious. And if there is one thing I cannot stand, it's extreme ignorance. And adding extra letters to text messages and ims. Seriously, it's not cool. We're not teenagers anymore. You're several years older than me and you own a business (so you say). Please, for the love of God and my sanity, spell as best you can.

I'm not perfect but there are what some would call "dealbreakers". To me and most of the people I know, those are the things that keep one from being desperate or compromising their standards to not be alone. For me, dealbreakers are very simple and one of them is ignorance. Don't ask why I have fish if I just explained to you thirty seconds ago that they were a gift and that I love them.

People like this individual are one of the reasons that people think online dating is ridiculous or foolish. But this is why I talk to them before I meet up with them. I'm not sure I would have been able to keep a straight face or not just walk out if I met someone like that in person. One day, there might be someone more like the prince charming I dreamed of when I was a girl. He's just going through a very careful screening process.